STAR DRIP

Adapted (with some new material) by Jean Graham
from "Star Trip" by the Congress of Wonders
and from "Star Drek" by Bobby Pickett and Peter Ferrara

Cast

Captain James T. Jerk
Mr. Schlock
Dr. MaGoo
Mr. Lulu
Lt. Manura
2 Securities (no lines)
Snotty (voice only)
Broom closet voices (2)

[SFX: Star Trek Theme playing to dark stage. Slides of the
starship.]

JERK'S VOICE: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of
the Starship Booby Prize. Its 5 year mission; to sell T-shirts,
toy phasers, plastic communicators and anything else we can think
of, to seek out new life in old plots and complications; to boldly
go where everyone has gone before.

[More music while jerk, Schlock & Lulu take their places on
stage. Lights up.]

JERK: Captain's log, stardate 3 point 14172853304... uh... oh,
never mind. We're leaving the planet Schwartz and heading for our
next exciting adventure... (philosophically) somewhere, out there,
in the far outer reaches of the great vast galaxy. Somewhere, out
there--

LULU: (Interrupts) Captain, captain! What's that in space, a
head????

JERK: Huh? No, no, wait a minute. That's not right' (He gets
up, crosses to helm, points to Lulu's script.) That's one word,
y'see that? Ahead! You're supposed to say "what's that in space
ahead!" Got it?

LULU: Oh. Yeah.

JERK: All right. (Sits down) Let's try it again.

LULU: Right. (Reads the line exactly the same way.) Captain,
captain! What's that in space, a head?

JERK: (Sighs) There's nothing out there. All I see are those
boring stars that go by all the time!

SCHLOCK: (To Lulu in a loud stage whisper) Psst! Change the slide,
idiot!

LULU: Huh? Oh. (Pushes button. ANGEL appears.)

JERK: Oh no! Not another one! Mr. Schlock, it's another one of
those damned space turkeys!

SCHLOCK: Fascinating.

JERK: Lt. Lulu, ready our phaser banks.

[Sound and screen both go OFF.]

LULU: Captain, captain, all the stars have gone out!

JERK: (Goes to helm again) No, you stupid schlepp, you've leaned
on the button.

[Sound and screen come BACK ON.]

JERK: There. Now get the phasers on that bird!

[Hallelujah Chorus plays over slide of angel on screen.]

ANGEL VOICE: I am the Angel of the Lord! [SFX: Phasers firing.]

ANGEL: Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

[Slide of a flaming explosion.]

JERK: Ah, that baked him good.

LULU: (Awed) Oh wow--it looks just like Thanksgiving out there.

JERK: Don't think about it, Lt. Lulu. (He sits back down.)

[Slide of stars returns.]

LULU: I can't help thinking about it. Last Thanksgiving was
rotten. Just that food supplement pill with "Turkey" written on it.
It's not the same, Captain, it's not the same!

JERK: Well maybe not, but (puts his hand in the air to
"pontificate") after all, we're out here in the vast reaches of the
galaxy. We're out here and... and ... and this is where we are! (No
one reacts to this profound remark. Jerk shrugs.) Say, uh, where's
Lt. Manura? I wanna put a call through to my agent.

MANURA: (Enters wearing a flowered muumuu, filing her nails.) You
rang, Captain honey?

JERK: Lt. Manura! What are you doing out of uniform?

MANURA: This IS mah uniform. Ah jus' made a few little ol'
improvements here and there.

JERK: Oh. Well, uh... if you'll get to your console and put
through my call, I've gotta find out when my next big movie role is
coming up. I think I got a shot at a part in "Attack of the Killer
Creampuffs" if I can just--

SCHLOCK: Captain? Excuse me, Captain...

JERK: Yes, Schlock, what is it?

SCHLOCK: May I remind you that we are travelling at a rate of warp
factor three?

JERK: So? What's the matter, are the long distance rates higher
at warp three?

SCHLOCK: No sir. However, our collision with that space turkey 92
seconds ago has damaged the navigation computer and put us
precisely 15 billion miles off course.

JERK: Fifteen billion--! Why didn't you TELL me??!

SCHLOCK: You didn't ask.

JERK: (Punches button. SFX: "Nyeep!") This is the Captain
speaking. Connect me with engineering!

OPERATOR'S VOICE: I'm sorry, but that line is busy.

JERK: This is the Captain! I've gotta talk to engineering!

OPERATOR'S VOICE: I'm sorry, sir, but that line is busy!

JERK: But, but. . . I have a direct line! I'm the Captain! (SFX:
Dialtone) Operator! Operator! Did you hear that, Schlock? Is
this some kind of a joke?

SCHLOCK: I don't know sir. As you know I am a Vulgarian, and jokes
are beyond me. (laughing evilly) Heh heh heh...

JERK: But-- we've got to contact engineering. We're 15 billion
miles off course.

SCHLOCK: 23 billion miles off course now, sir, if my calculations
are correct -- and they always are.

JERK: (Punches button. SFX: "Nyeep!") This is the Captain
speaking. Give me engineering! (SFX: Sounds of a wild party.)
Hello? Hello!

VOICE: Who IS it???

JERK: It's the Captain. We're 23 billion miles off course!
SCHLOCK: 29 billion.

JERK: 29 billion! (SFX: Dialtone again) Operator! Operator!

OPERATOR'S VOICE: I'm sorry sir, but that line is Boozy. Hic!

JERK: Schlock, they can't do this to me! We're 29 billion miles
off course! (Punches the button again) Snotty! Come in Snotty, this
is an emergency!

SNOTTY'S VOICE: Snot here, Captain.

JERK: What's not there, Mr. Snot?

SNOTTY'S VOICE: I said Snot here.

JERK: What's not there?

SNOTTY'S VOICE: Ach, never mind. Captain, do ya realize we're 34
billion miles off course?

JERK: Snotty, I've been trying to call you. What's going on
down there???

SCHLOCK: Captain, according to my calculations, we're 38 billion
miles off course.

JERK: Thank you, Schlock. (Pinches the bridge of his nose with
one hand.)

SCHLOCK: Why are you pinching your eyes together captain? It
doesn't help the situation nor does it have any physiological
effect. Highly illogical behavior. Tsk tsk. You Earth men.

SNOTTY'S VOICE: Captain, where did you go? We're 45 billion miles
off course!

JERK: I'm still here, Snotty. Lt. Manura, have the computer
calculate corollary course correction co-ordinates. Snotty,
compute cretin quartz quab ... uh. ..engineering, stand by.

SNOTTY'S VOICE: But Captain, by now we must be 52 billion miles off
course. We're travellin' faster than light, y'know!

[Jerk punches the button off. FX: The screen goes off, too.]

LULU: Captain, captain. All the stars have gone out!

JERK: (Goes to helm, pushes button. FX: Slide returns) Lti.
Lulu, if you lean on that button one more time, I'll have you
ejected into hyperspace through the garbage chute! Take over the
controls, Schlock! I'll have to take care of this myself. (Jerk
crosses to turbolift. Schlock takes the captain's chair as jerk
exits into lift.)
JERK: Elevator, engineering deck.

ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?

JERK: Elevator, I said engineering deck!

ELEVATOR: I'm fine, how are you?

JERK: Oh, never mind, just let me off here! (Jerk exits,
circling to opposite side of stage) All these problems. Let's see
now, I'm never on this level. (He reaches a "broom closet" --so
labelled-- on the other side.) Maybe engineering's in here. (Opens
door. (SFX: Panting and passionate noises.) Huh? You can't do that
in here! This is a broom closet!

VOICE: But we're engaged!

JERK: Well disengage and report back to your stations! (He slams
door, retraces steps back to the wall beyond the "viewscreen".)

[SFX: Intercom whistle.]

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] Schlock to Captain Jerk. Schlock to Captain Jerk.

JERK: (Punching the wall intercom) Jerk here.

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] Did you locate Mr. Snott, Captain?

JERK: Whatta ya mean, locate him? Isn't he in engineering?

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] No. He appears to be locked in the men's room on
level 4.

JERK: Again? Well you've gotta get him out of there, Schlock.
I don't care how you do it -- blast him out if you have to.

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] But Captain, the men's room on level 4 is only 3 by
3. Blasting would be a most illogical solution to the--

JERK: Listen, Schlock, we've gotta do something! The ship is
already 125 billion miles off course!

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] 140 billion miles off course.

JERK: 140.... say, Schlock. Can't you repair the navigation
computer yourself?

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] Well of course I can repair the computer. I am a
Vulgarian.

JERK: Well why didn't you???!

SCHLOCK: [V.O.] You didn't ASK me. (Jerk beats his head on the wall
as Schlock continues) After all, I'm only the SECOND in command,
You're the Captain. You didn't ORDER me to--

JERK: Listen, Pixie ears, get on that computer and--

[SFX: Dialtone.]

OPERATOR'S VOICE: Deposit ten more cents for another five minutes
...

[Jerk slams the intercom off, then looks around, obviously
lost.]

JERK: Now how do I get back to that turbolift?

MAGOO: (Approaches) What's the matter, Jim boy, you lost again?

JERK: Huh? Oh, Dr. Magoo. Hello! No, of course I'm not lost.
I just sorta "misplaced" the turbolift, is all.

MAGOO: (Starts guiding him toward it) You know, Captain, I've
been meaning to talk to you about the way you've been schlepping
this spacecrate around lately. Do you know what it's like to have
the deck jerked out from under you in the middle of a lab test on
62 gallons of Gorblavian bat urine?? (They stop at the turbolift.)

JERK: Yes, well... I'm glad we can have these little
heart-to-heart chats, Bongs, but right now I've gotta get back to
the bridge. Of course, you're welcome to come along and lend me
your usual, faithful, uplifting support.

MAGOO: I'm a doctor, not an elevator.

JERK: Oh... uh... right. Well, see you later, Bongs. (He enters
lift. Magoo exits up the aisle. Jerk steps onto the bridge.) All
right Schlock. Do we have a damage report?

SCHLOCK: Yes, Captain. There seems to be 27 million dollars worth
of damage to the computer.

JERK: Arrgh! 27 million dollars????

SCHLOCK: Well, actually it's only $12.50, but the service charges
are enormous this far out in space. That's assuming they can find
us anyhow, since we're 400 billion miles off course.

MANURA: Just so long as they don't take it outa mah salary. Wasn'
mah fault we're 400 billion miles off course.

JERK: (Flaring) Who asked you??!!

MANURA: (Sobs) Well, if that's the way you feel about it, ah quit!
(She stands)

JERK: (Goes to her) OH-- oh no! Oh, I don't feel that way! No,
uh, here, have a seat. Make yourself comfy. (Sits her back down)
Uh ... you look nice this afternoon-evening--morning--whatever the
heck it is! (Pinches his nose again) Why me?

MANURA: Why are you pinchin' your eyes together like that, Captain
honey?

JERK: (Sobs) Will somebody fix the computer, PLEASE?????

MANURA: Why of course, Captain; ah'll jus' stick this little ol'
bobby pin in heah and ... there! All fixed.

JERK: (After a disgruntled moment) Thank you. (Returns to his
chair) All right, stand by for course change. (Punches button.
SFX: "Nyeep!") Engineering! (SFX: Party sounds again.) Oh, no.
Snotty, are you there? Snotty, you bungling old boozer! You're
demoted!

SNOTTY's VOICE: (Laughs) Ach, well, you'll just have to get
somebody else, won't ya?

JERK: Uh... oh no, no! You're not demoted. You're advanced!
Just get this ship back on course. Please? Pretty Please??

SCHLOCK: We are back on course, Captain.

JERK: Oh. Thank God.

SCHLOCK: However--

JERK: I knew it was too good to last.

SCHLOCK: The computer appears to have programmed itself for a new
heading--into the Exlax Cluster.

[Jerk mouths "The Exlax Cluster?" silently as MaGoo and 2
security men enter from the turbolift. Schlock moves center; they
gather around Jerk's chair.]

MAGOO: That's right, Jim. The Exlax Cluster.

JERK: Bongs -- what are you doing here? Who are these guys? What
IS this??

MAGOO: I'm afraid it's the end.

JERK: What are you talking about? The end of what?

MAGOO: Of you and your tyrannical abuse of this ship and its
crew!

JERK: Huh?

MAGOO: That's right. Our 200 crew-women are tired of being
chased down corridors and ravished in torpedo chutes. Our security
officers are tired of being used for phaser fodder and monster
bait. And I'M tired of bat urine showers! We're marooning you on
Exlax 12, Captain.

JERK: What? You can't do that! There's no water on Exlax 12.
Worse than that -- there aren't any women!

MAGOO: That's right. To put it in three simple words--

ALL IN UNISON: You're dead, Jim!

JERK: (As the securities drag him out of the chair) But you
can't! You can't do this! You don't understand--if I die, if I
cease to exist, my life force will not continue ! Hey! No, wait a
minute! Wait! Help!! (They drag him off) You can't get away with
this Bongs! I have a contract! I'm the star of this series! I've
got top billing! (MaGoo shakes hands with Schlock, then
exits himself. Schlock takes the Captain's chair.)

SCHLOCK: Ahead warp factor 3, Mr. Lulu.

LULU: Aye aye, Mr. Schlock.

SCHLOCK: That's *Captain* Schlock!

[SFX: Theme. Lights/projector off. Curtain call.]

End